hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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