Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
North Korea, Best Korea!
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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