We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
