Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
