He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So squirting runs in the family.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
