You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
