I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
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They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
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He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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