I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
