Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i think i have two assholes
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Randomize
