You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
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you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
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Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize