i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
