Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
