boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
