I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
