I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
