So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
