I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
