my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
