Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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