you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
