Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
