wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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