my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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