I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
