Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
