Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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