She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
