His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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