I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
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I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
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