I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Actions speak louder than pants.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.