I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch