She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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