According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
