I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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