im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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