So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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