Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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