chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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