I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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