this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
