If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
