To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected