Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours