with your own penis?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
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so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
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It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.