i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
