Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I think i got beer on your cat.
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