I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
