And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
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Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
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I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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