I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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