and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
