At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.