There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??