Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird