I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
