Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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