Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
