he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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