Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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