Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
