I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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