ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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