I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
